New FIU Football Coach Fired
News
By Darron Collettemen
FIU Assistant Defensive Coach Major Joseph Sharp was fired on Tuesday after a series of incidents during his brief time with the football team. The decision was made by both Head Coach Mario Cristobal and Athletics Director Pete Garcia following a meeting with several concerned players, students, parents, professors, coaches, other FIU athletes, cheerleaders and even team mascot Roary.
Major Sharp was hired shortly after FIU’s loss to Rutgers. “I wanted to toughen the guys up after the two loses,” said Cristobal. “I knew Major Sharp had a military background and thought he could help the guys. So, I hired him.”
At first Major Sharp did not seem that eccentric when he showed up to his first practice with a bullhorn and simply screamed at the players. He ordered many to do push-ups, sit-ups, suicides, dough boys, and up-downs.
At the following practice, Major Sharp was particularly hard on the team’s kicker. Apparently Major Sharp had attempted to dismiss the kicker from the team and replace him with a giant catapult known as a trebuchet. Cristobal laughed this off, however. Major Sharp actually wrote to the NCAA about using trebuchets in college football games, as well as legalizing chop blocks, face masking, and roughing the quarterback.
When FIU’s home opener against Toledo was an hour away from kickoff, Major Sharp was a no-show. He would not show up until early in the first quarter. It was later revealed that he had kidnapped a Toledo player in an effort to find out what plays they were likely to run. Major Sharp’s method to extracted the plays involved a good amount of water boarding.
During the game, Major Sharp shouted a number of highly complex plays through his megaphone that sounded something like, “Alpha! Tango! Green 64! Motion left! Gettysburg 9!” and so on. Neither the players nor the coaches seemed to have any idea what these plays meant.
Following the 31-41 loss, Major Sharp used his satellite phone in an attempt to call in an air-strike on the Toledo team bus. He claimed that what was statistically a loss would not be as bad if the result of the game was their opponent’s complete destruction. Fortunately Toledo made it out of Miami safely.
Cristobal and the other coaches intended to talk to Major Sharp the following Monday before practice, but he was not in his office. It turns out he had spent that morning setting up an obstacle course for the players to run. Although skeptical, the coaching staff allowed the players to attempt the course, but immediately regretted it.
When the players reached the belly crawl, they had their jerseys torn by barbed wire. Players who continued on had to drag a tackling dummy through a foggy swamp bog filled with leaches. Players who kept going had to deal with a rope and tire course laced with land mines. The final stage (which only two players reached) was the simplest, as it only involved being shot numerous times by Major Sharp’s specialized, rubber-bullet firing M-16.
Stunned, the coaches demanded Major Sharp leave the field, but were met with rubber bullets. The entire team soon vacated the field, leaving Major Sharp behind. Two hours later a total of 15 campus police officers finally took him down.
As it turns out, Major Sharp was dishonorably discharged from the US Army in 2006 after forcing eight soldiers to blindfold themselves, strip naked, and lie in the hot Iraqi sun as he released live Scorpions upon them.
“I strongly apologize for Major Sharp’s actions during his brief time as an FIU coach,” said Cristobal at a press conference yesterday. “I feel that our newest coach will be able to help us win. I don’t see what can go wrong with a hypnotist.”
