Unexplained Bacon absence… explained…
News
By Darron Collettemen
As we are sure you have noticed, the Bacon website has not been updated for over 5 months. This was because of reasons beyond our control, mostly steaming from an incident in late February.
One day I was treating Bacon Webmaster David Samani to a power lunch where we were discussing future Bacon articles and website upgrades. As we finished eating and headed to the McDonald’s parking lot, we found ourselves surrounded by four Ninjas. We were quickly thrown into the back of their van and had our heads covered. What seemed like a day or two later, we woke up in a prison or labor camp.
After a quick glance around I was pretty sure what happened and it was not good. It seemed we were in North Korea, no doubt thanks to our article about the countries “Dear Leader,” Kim Jong Il. It really sucks always being right!
After weeks of hard labor, it looked like help had arrived for us. One day we saw a large helicopter touch down outside the labor camp. Of all the people who could have stepped out of that helicopter we would have never dreamed it would be former US President Bill Clinton. But it sure was ‘Slick Willy,’ accompanied by what looked to be five or six US diplomats.
The camp gates were opened for Clinton and he said, “Sorry about all the time you brave American journalists had to spend in this awful place, but now we have come to bring you back to your country and to your families.”
Thrilled, David and I ran to Clinton, ecstatic with happiness, but were quickly attacked and beaten by the camp guards. Through a bruised eye, I saw Clinton and his fellow diplomats embracing American journalists Lisa Ling and Euna Lee. Guess they were not there for us after all…
Before Clinton could leave I called out to him, “Hey Bill! We are American journalists. Why aren’t you saving us too?” Clinton shouted back, “You were part of the deal to get Ling and Lee back. And, sorry, but even Cracked magazine is better than the Bacon. You guys only have another 12 years. Kim Jong Il wanted to have you both executed for that article about him. Be happy you just need to serve out Ling and Lee’s sentences.”
Shocked, David and I went back to our rock quarries. We were pretty down for the next few weeks, but a little relieved to know we would not be executed. It would be months before we had a chance to escape.
We finally got out one night as the guards had gotten drunk off some confiscated homemade beer some of the inmates had made. With the guards under the weather, me, David and many of the other inmates charged out of the camp and scattered into the adjacent woods. David and I ran for what seemed like hours and headed north toward China. After weeks of trekking, we got to Russia. From there it was our plan to try to get to Alaska and eventually back to Miami. It would take us months to get through Russia. To survive we had to eat a lot of snow, wild plants, steal food from towns as we went and sometimes we had to fight off the Russian mafia.
When we got to the small strait that separates the two continents, we stole a boat and soon found ourselves back on US soil. Still, we had a very long way to go. We continued deep into Alaska. After about a week, we found ourselves in a tight spot. Seeing a frosty stream, David and I went to get a drink of water. After a minute of drinking, we looked out to find ourselves face to face with a huge Polar Bear.
The Polar Bear reared up and started growling. It was very loud, too loud. No animal could make a noise like that? A moment later the excess noise was explained when the Polar Bear’s head exploded as it was shot from a helicopter. Sure enough, it seems Sarah Palin was out hunting Polar Bears from her private helicopter and stumbled upon us. Palin took us back to her home and the next day we got a GOP jet ride home to Miami.
As it turned out, Palin and the Republicans were not in favor of us being traded to North Korea for what turned out to be not just Ling and Lee, but also 15 million dollars and a journalist to be named later (likely Rush Limbaugh). The GOP’s plan to get back Ling and Lee was simply to conduct a raid and then declare war on North Korea.
Overall I think David and I learned a lot during this time. We now know that working in a North Korean labor camp is a great way to get in shape and most wild plants in Russia cause diarrhea. Also, American politicians use helicopters for just about everything.
