FIU Assistant Defensive Coach Major Joseph Sharp was fired on Tuesday after a series of incidents during his brief time with the football team. The decision was made by both Head Coach Mario Cristobal and Athletics Director Pete Garcia following a meeting with several concerned players, students, parents, professors, coaches, other FIU athletes, cheerleaders and even team mascot Roary.

Major Sharp was hired shortly after FIU’s loss to Rutgers. “I wanted to toughen the guys up after the two loses,” said Cristobal. “I knew Major Sharp had a military background and thought he could help the guys. So, I hired him.”

At first Major Sharp did not seem that eccentric when he showed up to his first practice with a bullhorn and simply screamed at the players. He ordered many to do push-ups, sit-ups, suicides, dough boys, and up-downs.

At the following practice, Major Sharp was particularly hard on the team’s kicker. Apparently Major Sharp had attempted to dismiss the kicker from the team and replace him with a giant catapult known as a trebuchet. Cristobal laughed this off, however. Major Sharp actually wrote to the NCAA about using trebuchets in college football games, as well as legalizing chop blocks, face masking, and roughing the quarterback.

When FIU’s home opener against Toledo was an hour away from kickoff, Major Sharp was a no-show. He would not show up until early in the first quarter. It was later revealed that he had kidnapped a Toledo player in an effort to find out what plays they were likely to run. Major Sharp’s method to extracted the plays involved a good amount of water boarding.

During the game, Major Sharp shouted a number of highly complex plays through his megaphone that sounded something like, “Alpha! Tango! Green 64! Motion left! Gettysburg 9!” and so on. Neither the players nor the coaches seemed to have any idea what these plays meant.

Following the 31-41 loss, Major Sharp used his satellite phone in an attempt to call in an air-strike on the Toledo team bus. He claimed that what was statistically a loss would not be as bad if the result of the game was their opponent’s complete destruction. Fortunately Toledo made it out of Miami safely.

Cristobal and the other coaches intended to talk to Major Sharp the following Monday before practice, but he was not in his office. It turns out he had spent that morning setting up an obstacle course for the players to run. Although skeptical, the coaching staff allowed the players to attempt the course, but immediately regretted it.

When the players reached the belly crawl, they had their jerseys torn by barbed wire. Players who continued on had to drag a tackling dummy through a foggy swamp bog filled with leaches. Players who kept going had to deal with a rope and tire course laced with land mines. The final stage (which only two players reached) was the simplest, as it only involved being shot numerous times by Major Sharp’s specialized, rubber-bullet firing M-16.

Stunned, the coaches demanded Major Sharp leave the field, but were met with rubber bullets. The entire team soon vacated the field, leaving Major Sharp behind. Two hours later a total of 15 campus police officers finally took him down.

As it turns out, Major Sharp was dishonorably discharged from the US Army in 2006 after forcing eight soldiers to blindfold themselves, strip naked, and lie in the hot Iraqi sun as he released live Scorpions upon them.

“I strongly apologize for Major Sharp’s actions during his brief time as an FIU coach,” said Cristobal at a press conference yesterday. “I feel that our newest coach will be able to help us win. I don’t see what can go wrong with a hypnotist.”

In today’s world overpopulation and starvation are two of the greatest problems we face. Starvation occurs mostly in poor third world counties. In larger more mainstream counties like China, the problem is there are too many people. In some cases this can lead to starvation, even in a modern environment food can run out.

But I think the solution is clear. We need to start eating people. The question is who should we eat? The elderly seem to be likely candidates, but let’s not forget the suicidal, death row inmates, and the comatose. Who would miss them? No one. So, I think they should enter the food chain.

Some may find this idea disgusting and inhumane, but it would really help balance out global starvation and overpopulation. We could simply take selected people from first world countries, deep fry them and feed them to the hungry in famished regions of the world.

While researching this subject I found many past incidents of cannibalism which were used mostly for rituals centuries ago. There is a small sect in India that has been known to eat the recently deceased and they still exist in small numbers. Besides all that, I read about a man who in the 1970’s had an idea to farm humans. He is now pretty old, but I tracked him down to get his take on this matter.

“What I wanted to do is let people hunt each other here on my farm,” says Dale Tillmen. “After they nab a target I would have cleaned and gutted ‘em. We only were opened two days before the police shut us down and then I went to prison.”

Tillmen spent eight years in prison after being convicted of attempted murder for his role in the only known “human farm.” That was then and now I think it is time we consider similar options once again. However, we could offer money to people to become targets, running in the woods for a set amount of time. That would likely be better than capturing local hippies, like Tillmen did.

One idea is to offer people something great in return for their “donation” of themselves or even a limb or two. Say a week in a world class resort in exchange for a leg. Maybe a month, if they donate their entire body. After that month they could decide their own demise by say… being thrown off Mt. Everest, drowned in the 2008 Beijing Olympic swimming pool, or hung from the space-needle in Seattle. It would be like a last meal request – just you end up becoming the meal.

A downside to eating people is that it could lead to disease as it did when cows were fed parts of other cows resulting in Mad Cow Disease. To avoid that, animals could be fed poor or D/F grade people meat.

One country that has expressed an interest is Venezuela. “I think it is a good idea to eat people,” said Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez. “I want to eat a Columbian’s brain so I can find out what a moron tastes like, then I would eat an American’s balls so I know what a coward tastes like!” Chávez may have been drunk during the interview, we don’t know.

Naturally some celebrities have supported the cause. Jay Leno willed over his chin, Will Smith donated his ears, and Jennifer Lopez is donating her butt. Also, some people have left body parts to family members to be eaten in remembrance, with special recipes in most cases.

This idea is a long way from becoming reality due to the amount of laws that would need to be drastically changed. I think by 2287 we could see this happen in some countries, so don’t go eating anyone’s heart out… yet.

As we are sure you have noticed, the Bacon website has not been updated for over 5 months. This was because of reasons beyond our control, mostly steaming from an incident in late February.

One day I was treating Bacon Webmaster David Samani to a power lunch where we were discussing future Bacon articles and website upgrades. As we finished eating and headed to the McDonald’s parking lot, we found ourselves surrounded by four Ninjas. We were quickly thrown into the back of their van and had our heads covered. What seemed like a day or two later, we woke up in a prison or labor camp.

After a quick glance around I was pretty sure what happened and it was not good. It seemed we were in North Korea, no doubt thanks to our article about the countries “Dear Leader,” Kim Jong Il. It really sucks always being right!

After weeks of hard labor, it looked like help had arrived for us. One day we saw a large helicopter touch down outside the labor camp. Of all the people who could have stepped out of that helicopter we would have never dreamed it would be former US President Bill Clinton. But it sure was ‘Slick Willy,’ accompanied by what looked to be five or six US diplomats.

The camp gates were opened for Clinton and he said, “Sorry about all the time you brave American journalists had to spend in this awful place, but now we have come to bring you back to your country and to your families.”

Thrilled, David and I ran to Clinton, ecstatic with happiness, but were quickly attacked and beaten by the camp guards. Through a bruised eye, I saw Clinton and his fellow diplomats embracing American journalists Lisa Ling and Euna Lee. Guess they were not there for us after all…

Before Clinton could leave I called out to him, “Hey Bill! We are American journalists. Why aren’t you saving us too?” Clinton shouted back, “You were part of the deal to get Ling and Lee back. And, sorry, but even Cracked magazine is better than the Bacon. You guys only have another 12 years. Kim Jong Il wanted to have you both executed for that article about him. Be happy you just need to serve out Ling and Lee’s sentences.”

Shocked, David and I went back to our rock quarries. We were pretty down for the next few weeks, but a little relieved to know we would not be executed. It would be months before we had a chance to escape.

We finally got out one night as the guards had gotten drunk off some confiscated homemade beer some of the inmates had made. With the guards under the weather, me, David and many of the other inmates charged out of the camp and scattered into the adjacent woods. David and I ran for what seemed like hours and headed north toward China. After weeks of trekking, we got to Russia. From there it was our plan to try to get to Alaska and eventually back to Miami. It would take us months to get through Russia. To survive we had to eat a lot of snow, wild plants, steal food from towns as we went and sometimes we had to fight off the Russian mafia.

When we got to the small strait that separates the two continents, we stole a boat and soon found ourselves back on US soil. Still, we had a very long way to go. We continued deep into Alaska. After about a week, we found ourselves in a tight spot. Seeing a frosty stream, David and I went to get a drink of water. After a minute of drinking, we looked out to find ourselves face to face with a huge Polar Bear.

The Polar Bear reared up and started growling. It was very loud, too loud. No animal could make a noise like that? A moment later the excess noise was explained when the Polar Bear’s head exploded as it was shot from a helicopter. Sure enough, it seems Sarah Palin was out hunting Polar Bears from her private helicopter and stumbled upon us. Palin took us back to her home and the next day we got a GOP jet ride home to Miami.

As it turned out, Palin and the Republicans were not in favor of us being traded to North Korea for what turned out to be not just Ling and Lee, but also 15 million dollars and a journalist to be named later (likely Rush Limbaugh). The GOP’s plan to get back Ling and Lee was simply to conduct a raid and then declare war on North Korea.

Overall I think David and I learned a lot during this time. We now know that working in a North Korean labor camp is a great way to get in shape and most wild plants in Russia cause diarrhea. Also, American politicians use helicopters for just about everything.

We have all heard the tales of the existence of creatures like the Sasquatch (a.k.a. Bigfoot) in North America, the Yeti in Asia and, of course, Gigantipithicus which really did exist a very long time ago. However, it seems that a similar creature may be living somewhere on the FIU campus.

The first sighting came in 1967 when a student named Eric Jones claimed to have seen a large ape walking upright near the tree line that then separated the baseball diamond from the wooded area of the campus. These claims where later dismissed when Jones was expelled for possession of LSD and certain types of mushrooms. Jones claimed that he was not high when he saw the creature and that, if he had been, it would have been a purple giraffe that could tap-dance.

A few more sightings were reported in the 70’s, but not till 1983 was there what the zoological community would consider a highly legitimate sighting of an ape-like creature on the FIU campus.

On a December evening, International Relations Professor Timo Natda was walking with one of his students discussing an exam when they noticed movement in some nearby trees. When they turned, they found themselves about10 yards from the creature. According to Prof. Natda, the creature was eating leaves from an umbrella tree and grunting frequently. The description Natda and his student gave were consistent with a cousin of Bigfoot known as the Skunk Ape, which has been spotted numerous times in the Everglades.

Another more disturbing sighting came in 1991 when a night watchman heard a faint noise. As he followed the noise, it grew louder and soon was recognizable as grunting. When the night watchman shined his flashlight on the creature he was shocked to see that it was satisfying itself.

In 1998, tracks were found on the outskirts of the campus wildlife preserve. Molds were made and sent for analysis. The findings were inconclusive, but they were consistent with molds taken from other large ape sightings.

The creature was unintentionally filmed for the first time in 2003 when he was caught in the background of several photos taken by a group of students. The creature in the photo matched familiar traits described by witnesses. Visible were its extreme height, brownish black coat, and the creature was masturbating… again.

A year later the most shocking incident was reported. It seems the creature snuck into a classroom and fell asleep under a desk in the back of a class. Early the next morning an economics class started to fill the room with the creature still inside. Several students complained of a unusual, bad odor in the room, like diapers mixed with burned rubber.

Not until the class was in progress did a student spot the creature (still asleep) under the desk. At once there was a panic in the room and the screams of some students woke the creature up. Once awake it sat up and looked around the room. It actually seemed undaunted by a roomful of people. The creature has since continued to attend the class and is about a C+ student, majoring in history.

As you may know North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il came to America for the first time several weeks ago. His five city stops have included: Los Angeles California, Roswell New Mexico, Kim Colorado, New York New York and Miami Florida.

Kim’s trip has caused many raised eyebrows in the global community already. When he arrived in Los Angeles Kim decided to visit the Universal Studios movie lot. Once there Kim demanded that he have a guest role in James Bond and the Silver Dagger and be allowed to direct for the day.

“It was never intended for this to happen.” said director Ridley Scott “I don’t think anyone in the cast has done a Korean western musical before, but the cast did seem to step up their game after Mr. Il throw that camera at them.”

Later in LA Kim demanded to leave his hotel at 2am and reportedly wanted to do a drive by shooting in Compton. It is thought that this would be an act to show that he has no fear of the black race, or it could have been because he was able to watch boyz-n-da-hood on a local television channel.

The North Korean leader’s trip to Roswell was also memorable. Kim insisted he be introduced to the illegal aliens the southern US is known for. After repeated failed attempts to explain to Kim that this referred mostly to Mexicans his handles resorted to going to a custom shop and dressing as space aliens, this satisfied Kim.

In the tiny town of Kim Colorado Kim declared himself to be the new town leader, mayor and messiah and demeaned he be allowed to procreate with all the towns women, so that there offspring could one day rule the US. One woman accepted, met with Kim and has not been seen since.

Kim went to New York to speak in front of the UN and get a tour of the city. In front of the UN delegation Kim gave a speech where he stated that North Korea would be willing to end its nuclear program if the countries sitting on the security council would be willing to lift all sanctions on his country. Kim was quite during his trip to NYC, but things would change when he arrived the next day in Miami.

The Korean dictator arrived at the FIU campus drunk and very angry about a incident in the lobby of his hotel. Apparently a bell hop who did not know who Kim was greeted him in Spanish and said “Good mourning sir, have a good day.” Unfortunately the way you say “Asshole, I did your mother” in Korean and what the bell hop said in Spanish sound very much alike.

FIU was prepared to welcome Kim and introduce him to members of the international relations department, but when Kim arrived he was still very upset and carrying a bottle of Hennessey in one hand and a briefcase in the other. Kim quickly went to work setting up a presentation he had prepared, but played the wrong DVD. As a result Kim gave the following short lecture while Korean pornography was shown on a projected screen behind him.

“American is evil wolves! But mighty North Korea wants to align with beast nation to rule world! We must make South Korea into our whores for 1,000 years! China and Russia must surrender now or else I will stop directing amazing movies! Japan must build North Korea huge super computers and roller coasters or we almost bomb them again! I will now leave; my bulletproof train is awaiting me!”

Kim then left the US from Miami International Airport. According to US officials Kim may not be allowed back in the country.

You may not notice this emaciated little bloodhound running around the FIU campus and sniffing everything he happens comes across. What he is known for is a very rare ability. Bakey is able to speak with humans.

Very few people have spoken to Bakey and this is simply because he does not like to talk. He gained the status of Bacon Newspaper mascot because he is a big fan. In fact he’s known for screaming “It’s Beacon!” We try and remind him that we are not in any way tied to that ‘other’ campus newspaper.

Bakey is only 27 in dog years, but due to some bad choices he has made in his life he looks like he’s in his late 60’s. This unfortunately due to that fact that Bakey is addicted at least 15 drugs that we known of and can confirm.

Of all his addictions Bakey’s most notable would be his addiction to crack cocaine. That’s why poor old Bakey has that pesky sniffing habit. When asked about his problems Barky has been known to become agitated, angry and likely to urinate on anyone near by.

Barky became famous on campus after an incident in May of 2007 when a group of seven concerned students tried to stop Bakey from trying to win a bet. A very mean person dared Barky to do a ‘Candy Striper’. For those of you that have never heard of this it’s when someone takes ecstasy, acid, is spun around 10 times, held still, has a hand waved in front of their face 20 times and attempts to cross a busy road.

The students were not able to find Bakey until he had run onto 8th street and was grazed by two cars. This led to the FIU students running into the street in a frantic (and foolish) attempt to halt traffic. After a good five minutes of car accidents the carnage finally came to an end. In all 4 students were hit by cars, 3 of them needed some medical attention. 28 cars were damaged, 6 were totaled.

As for Bakey he was glanced a total of 5 times, ran over once, earned $34.73, a bottle of Tylenol and 4 and a half vicodin pills. His tail was also run over approximately 300 times as he collected his winnings on the side of the road. This leads of to believe Bakey has no feeling in his tale…